today is special. today is not about how i feel. today is all about how you feel. i always wondered and wanted to know how you feel towards me. example: "am i that weird from your point of view", or maybe "am i so offensively a jerk" perhaps "what is he some kind of stupid sily pervert" etc etc.
i always wondered how am i to you. am i that kind of rude, selfish type of moron who would like to scold people around for fun, or am i the one who would create a laugh at the end of my sentence or am i the one who backstab you as a hobby during free time. am i that type who would come when i am in need of help and then go rightaway after i get my prize after winning the hardship.
sometimes i would ask some people of how they think about me and i would end up being ridiculed and sarcassed of buang tebiat dah nak mampus (okay amat gentle kan guna mampus? haha) just because of that "dude, kau rasa aku ni macam sial tak?" question. and then they would continue laughing saying "kau la manusia sial paling sial sial sial sial sial" eventhough i know that`s not an answer.that`s just a stupid joke covering up something and this is not some sort of question of lepak tepi tembok hisap ganja.
and dont lie to me. you, of all human, too, would think of this "how am i to them" idea somewhere, sometimes, because you are also a mere idiot human who would want to solve the misteries of knowing who you really are and what mistakes have you done, if any.
loittering alone at some streets, squatting while a ciggarrette was in my hand, i found this beautiful young lady walking pass through.she is around my age.and i wondered how am i to her. am i that ugly or, am i that attractive to her, does she think of me as a pervert staring at some of her body parts especially her bumpers or, am i that ignorant boy who looses his chance of getting to know a hot chick like her without introducing myself to her and not asking her mobile phone number.
looking at my father's face while he was reading smses from his handphone wondering if i am that burden to him or, am i a good son. i wonder if he ever think of me molding and evolutionised to this negative way once before he got me.
watching some idiot faces, that are, some very close friends of mine, wondering ; am i that important to you or, am i just a handbag you carry around when one day i got old and dirty, you would leave me in the closet. am i that clown who loves to make things merrier or am i that kind of shit to you when once i cant control myself when i am brutally unstable of anger and doing some kind of shit tthings you dont even predict.
staring at the mirror, looking at this ironically stranger whom i used to dont know who he is, and you yourself, do you know who you are?. looking at the stranger who looked back at you, wondering ; am i that good or, am i that bad. are you happy or are you sad. please be rad.
and, about that speech of "today is not about how i feel. today is all about how you feel", obviously, i lied. today is, still, about how i feel.
p/s: and to atika azumi yang bangang in case if you read this, tak sangka kau siap boleh buat post about me. hahahaha super duper bangang. thanks btw. :>